I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
