Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
