Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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