Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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