I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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