I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
