I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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