woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
that may or may not have been my penis.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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