There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
