It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
