Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
