got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
