Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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