I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Operation Purity has been aborted
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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