im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
