so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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