You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
