My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I'm too high and old for this...
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
