so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
