I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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