Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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