She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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