Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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