Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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