You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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