People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
