I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
