using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Randomize
