So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
