I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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