3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
why is half of my head shaved?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
