i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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