My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
