You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
