dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
