i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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