last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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