Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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