Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
