Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Oh god it's open bar.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
