the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
