Apparently you make a good broom.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
