The maid of honor just puked.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
