I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Holy shit dude........stairs
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