im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Randomize
