the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
