he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
