I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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