Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
