i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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