I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
